a little personal revelation

Hey family


this post isn't really an update- it's more of a journal for me. I think better while writing, and I figure maybe some of you will get some revelation for your own life by me sharing mine :)


We have a really full life. We just seem to do better that way. Things get too quiet around here and we start sort of moping. I have less to think about, less to pray about, less to write about. I tend to get bored and unmotivated, if I don't have a lot to do.


The opposite is true, too, of course. We've been trying to listen- and rest when we need to, say no when we need to. Focus on our calling here and not try to do all the good things. Which probably makes some people unhappy, but there are so many hours in a day!


So some of you know, about three or four years back, we took a series of gigantic hits from inside. Meaning those who we serve wronged us. I really don't want to get into all of it, and apologies have been made, mostly, and we truly feel like we have forgiven and moved on. We have our hearts back and we have our love back, and students are coming around again.


Can I just say that - for those of you who stuck with us during that hard time when we were down to six students....thank you. thank you so much.


Anyway, it really blindsided us. And then all the financial stuff came then, too. We sold our house & moved twice and moved a house and built a house and wow, it was a whirlwind. I seriously used to just disappear in the woods across from our house and cry. I knew no one would hear me there exept the deer and wolves :) We didn't realize how much those hits hurt us- we had begun declaring forgiveness & blessing almost immediately, but we struggled when it seemed to keep coming, from several sources. It took three years to be where we are now- honestly knowing it's over in our minds, we've forgiven, we're moving on, we're blessing. I can look at the faces of these people and not feel pain and anger.


But all that to say- now that things are hopping again- students are flocking to our family, chi alpha....I find myself afraid, sometimes. I've experienced burnout now. I've experienced lack of love and resentment and anger. I SO DO NOT ever want to go back there.


We have all these kids.....looking to us for love and truth and God. They say things like "I feel peace at your house." "You seem to be an exra-amazing person and I want to spend more time with you." "You have no idea how much of a blessing it is to spend time with you and your family...thank you so much." "Chi Alpha seems to have this family thing going on.....and there is so much life!!" "I came here to America alone and now I have a family." Most times- I am so blessed, honored, and encouraged by these things. God is moving!! But sometimes, I hear these things, and I think, "Oh, God- what if I fail and hurt these people?!"


And yet every day God gives me what I need to keep up this schedule of both of us working full time and working chi alpha. Having people around almost all the time. Feeding dozens. Sometimes I get tired, but surprisingly, not as much as I thought I would.


I have been afraid I am not enough to keep this up. (like it depends on me!) And I have been afraid that this loving Mom that all these kids tell me I am (I am speaking for myself. Phil always seems to have a handle on this stuff. He's a rock :) -will fail. I have been afraid that I am a phony. That this loving person all these kids see isn't really me. That one of these days, the resentful and angry person I was the last few years is going to come out and surprise everyone, and it will hurt them all.


This all sounds so silly now that I'm writing it. It sounds so weird on paper. But it's truly what I have been struggling with, inside. Kind of this nagging thing. Like "you are so setting yourself up to fail, here. Quit inviting more kids in. You don't have enough love for them all." One of my family members once said, with a sneer, I might add: "Michelle, you're not their mom." Sometimes that haunts me.


And yet, they call me Mom. :) Even the son I gave up twenty years ago calls me Mama. (How good is God- seriously?!?)


So, to combat this thing, I will do what I do best. Expose myself to the world in my writing. That way, I figure, it's out in the light. And the enemy can't use this lie anymore.


And God has been helping me see that He will never lead me where He will not sustain me. That I am not who I used to be- I am his daughter, I am a lover, I am a Mom that loves her kids. It's about what HE does, and is doing, in me.


I am beginning to know and really believe who I am in Christ. Who He has made me, who He is making me. He must be doing a lot, 'cause the overflow has been amazing. I am so grateful. I am being transformed.


He is bringing the children. He is providing the food to feed them. He has given us the space to give them a safe place. When they walk in the door, I love them and enjoy them, I just do and I can't explain why - and that is Him living in me. So I just need to trust that, trust Him, and rest- knowing I have what it takes to "keep up this pace." I have Him, and all of His kingdom at my disposal: all his riches and his storehouses of peace & joy & strength & life & love & provision & wisdom- all at my disposal.


this sort of blows me away.


So family, all that to say: if you're struggling with a fear or two- say it out loud. Name the thing. And our faithful God will show you, that most likely, the opposite is true about you. Or at least- the opposite is meant to be true about you. It's a destiny thing. Then the overflow of His love and light in your life will feed the multitudes.

:)


ok, gotta get my kids up now. Love you. thanks again for loving us. :)

Thooft Party House

Hey family!

I just wanted to update you- it's been so fun around here. Ruth lives with us (reminiscent of our days in Redwood when Jeremy & Brian lived with us :) and since she lives with us, half the parties happen here! It's a hoot. She's always bringing people home (she always asks, of course!) from Tuesday night, or on weekends, or after Thursday tea, or Friday after worship. In fact, tonight after worship, the plan is to order pizza and do a movie on the big screen in the great room.

This is so fun for us- because the house is finally being used the way we intended. Last night after tea, one of the girls brought her wii and her new dance game. When Phil returned from his men's group (the Man Clan) - he returned to a bunch of girls dancing in the great room. They made him stay and watch a few dances. He came to bed chuckling.

Grace has gotten involved with a group in town who is working on an anime cartoon series. She edits for them. They call themselves the "nerd posse." We had the Nerd Posse over last Monday night for a big screen showing of How To Train Your Dragon. It was hilarious.

This sunday is our International Sunday. We'll have a crowd over to cook Nepali & Indian food and hang out. I keep meaning to take a video for you....will try to remember!

It's wonderful to have community bubbling around us again. Now they're all talking fundraisers for our SALT conference in January so we can take a crowd. One young lady said to me yesterday, "I feel peace when I'm at your house." Another guy said that this was the closest thing to being at Bethel church (in Redding) that he's ever experienced.

I don't mean to blow our own horn. I'm just excited that God is doing so much stuff here.

Have a great week, family! we love you!

October Update

fall retreat!

Friday nights

Maddie & Gabi with a snow-making maching at fall retreat. they had never seen one :)

Eli and his buddy Caleb :)

Brett & Gabi....unintentional twins :) hi Family!

Wow, we seriously have been running with our hair on fire :) But it's ok! God has been giving us all the strength & rest we need. And we've been taking a weekend here and there away to recharge.

Our large group meetings and our Friday night worship meetings have grown to 20+ and 30+, respectively. Mondays is our Evan night (a guy we met a few years ago who has adopted the Thooft clan as his own. So he comes and hangs out on Mondays:) Tuesday is large group on campus, and can I just say, THANK GOD for Ruth and Mark!?!? Ruth pioneered an XA group at Hibbing Tech last year, and when she transferred here to complete her nursing degree, she jumped in with us. That girl rocks the campus. She's a biblically sound spirit filled spitfire that attracts all kinds of people. There hasn't yet been a Tuesday or a Friday without new people, mostly because they met Ruth somewhere! AND, family, she is organizationally gifted! She does stuff that Phil and I, in all our years here, never knew we could or should do. (yikes, can't believe I'm admitting that) So I think of something and text her and say, "hey, we should do this.." and she texts back, "already done. Yesterday."

This is a HUGE relief for us. With Phil working full time and my internet sales home job kicking into high gear for the holidays (yes, they are almost upon us. can you believe it?!?) - with our official "part time" status and the group at "full time" people....without Ruth, what would we do?!? And Mark....Phil's right hand man & friend....he is a God-send in a million ways. Coming over to side the house when Phil is at work. Available for anything we might be doing.....tilling the garden, siding the house, building a wood shed, putting up a huge fence, leading a men's group....Mark has been there. He is a BSU graduate working on another degree in art.

So God is amazing. Sending us a team, right when we needed it most.

Thursdays are busy days for us too. I have a girls tea in the afternoon, where we literally drink gallons of tea and I make scones or something fabulous, and then we walk, or sit by a fire, or whatever weather permits. We are going through the book Captivating, and after that, Danny Silk's Defining the Relationship series. Thursday nights, Phil's men's group is growing by bounds. It started a few weeks ago with three guys, and last week had 10. 80% of men struggle with pornography in our culture. It's a relationship issue; an intimacy issue. Relationships hurt us, and relationships heal us. These guys get together once a week and share their hearts with each other. Phil has been using Mark Peterson's Purity Pursuit DVD set for this class. It's so exciting to see guys getting free and learning to identify their feelings and make good choices.

The international ministry is going strong- last gathering we had 24 internationals and about 12 americans. Something like that. One of these guys has begun seriously seeking to know God, and several others have had amazing conversations with Ruth and Phil. God is on the move here!

Also, family, if you would keep praying for the Krueger's. We found out a few weeks ago that Michelle Krueger was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer and given a year to live. She is in ICU, has had surgery, and is moving into chemo. We are contending for a miracle. Please continue to pray! For more info, see my last post, MN Chi Alpha Alert.

So I could talk a lot longer, but I'm supposed to keep these short! :) We just got back from Fall Retreat last weekend- 20 students and our family went. It was great. A wonderful bonding weekend and students coming home more intimate with the Lord.

Not sure how this could get much better! (but we're pretty sure it will!)

love you, family!!

Phil & Michelle & tribe